I wondered if I should publicly talk about what happened to me recently, it was a very difficult experience. Normally people do not like talking about death, understandably it is something no one desires to discuss, but will have to go through regardless.

  A few days ago, before getting up to chant my rounds, I woke up with a terrible headache. I rarely have headaches but this was a powerful one, the strongest ever in my life so far.

  I must say I'm not a spring chicken anymore, I'll be 64 next summer and even though I'm still in a good shape, old age is creeping in. On top of waking up with a headache that morning, I could barely stand on my feet on my way to the shower, I had difficulty walking. Once in the shower I was very dizzy, I was loosing control of my body and wondered if I was dying. I panicked of course, but despite this worrysome moments, I started to chant my rounds. I was very dizzy and anxiety took over me. The headache and dizziness went away but anxiety remained.

I was truly perturbed.  I felt that I  could die any  second now. We all know that at my age, chances of dying of a heart attack are greater.  I continued chanting, telling myself that I must focus on the spiritual sound vibration of the maha-mantra and take this process of bhakti-yoga most seriously. We all have moments of anxiety, but this anxiety was constant.

  I live in an appartment building and later on I was waiting down the hall for a friend who was arriving by car. My anxiety was still present and  I  was still obsessed by death. Specially that across the street, the appartment of a friend who died last week, was being emptied. Our lives were similar, the fact we both lived alone. He knew I was a devotee and had bought some books from me in the past. I often brought him some prasadam, he was very appreciative each time. We had a nice friendship and his departure had perturbed me. He was older, soon to turn 75 .While I was watching his nieces empty his appartment, a neighbor appeared suddenly out of nowhere, he wanted to startel me and believe me he succeeded :o) His smile, under the circomstances appeared demoniac. It was the smile of a person happy to see another suffer. Of course it was a joke but in the state I was in, he scared me to death. After he left and I stood there with my heart beating like a drum, I said to myself...that is exactly the way the yamadhutas appear at the time of death, suddenly, without warning. My anxiety increased.

  During the day I also remembered tthe death of one of my friends. He died last year of bone cancer. My anxiety stayed me all day. Not to speak of last week, I almost got hit by a car. If it had happened I'd be in a real bad shape. Also two weeks ago I wasn't paying attention while crossing an intersection, I could have been killed by a tow truck who completely forgot to stop at the red light. All this to tell you how the possibility of death at any moment was on my mind. 

That afternoon I was telling one of my sisters what happened to me that morning. She told me she had experienced something similar a while back. She had researched it on the Internet and discovered it was a virus that would subside in the next few days. Before bed I wondered how I would wake up the next morning. The next day I was still anxious but it was diminishing.

  During that day, three of my sisters came to visit, two of them were once very active in this Krishna Consciousness movement. They stayed with me a few hours. My anxiety came and went. It wouldn't leave me despite my sister's visit. They knew my condition and spoke of it now and than. After they left  my suffering remained. The fear of death was strong on my mind. All this time I kept thinking that I must become more serious in this process of bhakti-yoga, death can happen at any moment. That anxiety was putting pressure in my heart region.

  Later on the street, my perspective was clearer, I saw people differently, thinking they all believe that this world is reality. It's truly illusion that makes us think this way, in reality this material world is temporay, unreal.

  Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita Chapter 2 Verse 16:  

"Those who are seers of the truth have concluded that of the nonexistent there is no endurance, and of the existent there is no cessation. This seers have concluded by studying the nature of both."

  I asked my devotee friends by Internet  to help me philosophically which they did without hesitaiton. I remain forever grateful.

  Here are a few verses they sent me in order to appease my persisting pain:

Bhagavad-gita 9.22
"But those who worship Me with devotion, meditating on My transcendental form-to them I carry what they lack and preserve what they have.

PURPORT
One who is unable to live for a moment without Krsna consciousness cannot but think of Krsna twenty-four hours, being engaged in devotional service by hearing, chanting, remembering, offering prayers, worshiping, serving the lotus feet of the Lord, rendering other services, cultivating friendship and surrendering fully to the Lord. Such activities are all auspicious and full of spiritual potencies; indeed, they make the devotee perfect in self-realization. Then his only desire is to achieve the association of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. This is called yoga. By the mercy of the Lord, such a devotee never comes back to this material condition of life. Kṣema refers to the merciful protection of the Lord. The Lord helps the devotee to achieve Krsna consciousness by yoga, and when he becomes fully Krsna conscious the Lord protects him from falling down to a miserable conditioned life."

Bhagavad-gita 6.40
The Blessed Lord said:" Son of Pṛthā, a transcendentalist engaged in auspicious activities does not meet with destruction either in this world or in the spiritual world; one who does good, My friend, is never overcome by evil."

  PURPORT
In the Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam (1.5.17) Śrī Nārada Muni instructs Vyāsadeva as follows:

"If someone gives up all material prospects and takes complete shelter of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, there is no loss or degradation in any way. On the other hand a nondevotee may fully engage in his occupational duties and yet not gain anything." For material prospects, there are many activities both scriptural and customary. A transcendentalist is supposed to give up all material activities for the sake of spiritual advancement in life, Krsna consciousness. One may argue that by Krsna consciousness one may attain the highest perfection if it is completed, but if one does not attain such a perfectional stage, then he loses both materially and spiritually. It is enjoined in the scriptures that one has to suffer the reaction of not executing prescribed duties; therefore one who fails to discharge transcendental activities properly becomes subjected to these reactions. The Bhāgavatam assures the unsuccessful transcendentalist that there need be no worries. Even though he may be subjected to the reaction of not perfectly executing prescribed duties, he is still not a loser, because auspicious Kṛṣṇa consciousness is never forgotten, and one so engaged will continue to be so even if he is lowborn in the next life. On the other hand, one who simply follows strictly the prescribed duties need not necessarily attain auspicious results if he is lacking in Krsna consciousness.

The purport may be understood as follows: humanity may be divided into two sections, namely, the regulated and the nonregulated. Those who are engaged simply in bestial sense gratifications without knowledge of their next life or spiritual salvation belong to the nonregulated section. And those who follow the principles of prescribed duties in the scriptures are classified amongst the regulated section. The nonregulated section, both civilized and noncivilized, educated and noneducated, strong and weak, are full of animal propensities. Their activities are never auspicious because, enjoying the animal propensities of eating, sleeping, defending and mating, they perpetually remain in material existence, which is always miserable. On the other hand, those who are regulated by scriptural injunctions and thus gradually rise to Krsna consciousness certainly progress in life.

Those who are then following the path of auspiciousness can be divided into three sections, namely, 1) the followers of scriptural rules and regulations who are enjoying material prosperity, 2) those who are trying to find out the ultimate liberation from material existence, and 3) those who are devotees in Krsna consciousness. Those who are following the rules and regulations of the scriptures for material happiness may be further divided into two classes: those who are fruitive workers and those who desire no fruit for sense gratification. Those who are after fruitive results for sense gratification may be elevated to a higher standard of life-even to the higher planets; but still, because they are not free from material existence, they are not following the truly auspicious path. The only auspicious activities are those which lead one to liberation. Any activity which is not aimed at ultimate self-realization or liberation from the material bodily concept of life is not at all auspicious. Activity in Krsna consciousness is the only auspicious activity, and anyone who voluntarily accepts all bodily discomforts for the sake of making progress on the path of Krsna consciousness can be called a perfect transcendentalist under severe austerity. And because the eightfold yoga system is directed toward the ultimate realization of Krsna consciousness, such practice is also auspicious, and no one who is trying his best in this matter need fear degradation."

During those anxious days, I kept telling myself I needed some relief for this pain. I knew that chanting was the solution and I needed to absorb my consciousness even deeper if I wanted to feel relief.  That's what I did and it helped but there was still a shadow hanging over me. I truly wanted to focus but this "lust" present in our  senses, mind and intelligence sometimes going back to Krishna may seem impossible.

   However I couldn't stay in that distracting, uncomfortable and painful state of mind,  so in addition to taking refuge in the Holy Names I started to search for helpful quotations in Prabhupada's books. I found some quotations that would help with my decreasing psychological pain.

(See this article in French at:
http://www.vedaveda.com/vedaveda/radio/2011/056.html

  Despite our wandering minds, there is this love of Krishna in every human beings waiting to be developed.

The following are some very encouraging quotations:  

"The understanding of Krsna consciousness is innate in every living entity, and it is already developed to some extent when the living entity takes a human body. It is said in Caitanya-caritāmṛta (Madhya 22.107):

nitya-siddha Krsna-prema sādhya kabhu naya
śravanādi-śuddha-citte karaye udaya

Pure love for Krsna is eternally established in the hearts of living entities. It is not something to be gained from another source. When the heart is purified by hearing and chanting, the living entity naturally awakens. Since Krsna consciousness is inherent in every living entity, everyone should be given a chance to hear about Krsna. Simply by hearing and chanting śravaṇaṁ kīrtanam one s heart is directly purified, and one s original Krsna consciousness is immediately awakened. Kṛṣṇa consciousness is not artificially imposed upon the heart, it is already there. When one chants the holy name of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, the heart is cleansed of all mundane contamination. (NoI 4)

Lord Caitanya likens transcendental devotional service to the sowing of a seed in the heart of the living entity. There are innumerable living entities traveling throughout the different planets of the universe, and out of them there are a few who are fortunate enough to meet a pure devotee and get the chance to understand devotional service. This devotional service is just like a seed, and if it is sown in the heart of a living entity, and if he goes on hearing and chanting, Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna, Hare Hare/ Hare Rāma, Hare Rāma, Rāma Rāma, Hare Hare, that seed fructifies, just as the seed of a tree fructifies with regular watering. The spiritual plant of devotional service gradually grows and grows until it penetrates the covering of the material universe and enters into the brahmajyoti effulgence in the spiritual sky. In the spiritual sky also that plant grows more and more until it reaches the highest planet, which is called Goloka Vrndāvana, the supreme planet of Krsna Ultimately, the plant takes shelter under the lotus feet of Krsna and rests there. Gradually, as a plant grows fruits and flowers, that plant of devotional service also produces fruits, and the watering process in the form of chanting and hearing goes on. This plant of devotional service is fully described in the Caitanya-caritāmrta. It is explained there that when the complete plant takes shelter under the lotus feet of the Supreme Lord, one becomes fully absorbed in love of God; then he cannot live even for a moment without being in contact with the Supreme Lord, just as a fish cannot live without water. In such a state, the devotee actually attains the transcendental qualities in contact with the Supreme Lord. (B.G. 10.9)"

  I know that this text is already very long and I could ad even more  but I also know that many of you do not always have all the time necessary to read such long texts. I than close while adding those new citations. I want you to know that no matter what happens in the life of a devotee, Srila Prabhupada has given us all the tools necessary to become happy. We only need to study those books and chant this maha-mantra:

  I also spoke to another one of my sisters who works in the field of psychology who was inquiring about my condition. After telling her my experience she spoke to me of an image used in her profession called: " The polarity indicator" the title of this article as you can see.

To help a patient, he is given this "indicator", she gave me this example:  We know that polarities mean extremes, let's take for example a patient who lives in guilt and shame. It will be suggested to him to take up the cursor which is presently in shame towards pride.

For the devotees, gradually we can change this propensity for lust into love for Krishna via the maha-mantra. It is than very important for all devotees to think of changes to take in order to elevate one's consciousness gradually and  try to put it in practice. For example one may decide to be more attentive while chanting his rounds or increase his daily number of rounds when chanting this maha-mantra, or give up some bad habits... It is up to the individual to find out where improvements are needed.

"Living beings who are entangled in the complicated meshes of birth and death can be freed immediately by even unconsciously chanting the holy name of Krsna, which is feared by fear personified. (S.B. 1.1.14)"

The devotee does not feel hackneyed or stereotyped, nor does he feel that he is in a stagnant position. In the material world, if one engages in chanting a material name, he will feel tired after chanting a few times. However, one can chant the Hare Krsna mahā-mantra all day and night and never feel tired. As chanting is increased, it will come out new and fresh. Śrīla Rūpa Gosvāmī said that if he could somehow get millions of ears and tongues, then he could relish spiritual bliss by chanting the Hare Krsna mahā-mantra. (S.B. 4.30.20)

It is said that it is the nature of a devotee to constantly apply his mind, energy, words, ears, etc., in hearing and chanting about Krsna. This is called Krsna consciousness, and for one who is rapt in hearing and chanting Krsna, the subject matter never becomes hackneyed or old. That is the significance of transcendental subject matter in contrast to material subject matter. Material subject matter becomes stale, and one cannot hear a certain subject for a long time; he wants change. But as far as transcendental subject matter is concerned, it is called nityanavanavāyamāna. This means that one can go on chanting and hearing about the Lord and never feel tired but will remain fresh and eager to hear more and more. (KRSNA BOOK Chapter 13) "

  In brief, one must not hesitate to dovetail his or her lust propensity toward love of God by chanting the maha-mantra. That is where real happiness is to be found. When we are  in love,  we feel happy  so let's be happy eternally by loving Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead.

  Written and compiled by Aprakrita dasa
Edited for English by Sudevi dd